2개월 아기 육아와 성장 (2-month-old baby care and growth)

 

2개월 아기 육아와 성장 

이제 내가 아기를 낳은지 2개월이 다 되어가고 세아가 태어난지도 2개월이 다 되어간다.
신생아때는 수유텀도 엄청 짧아서 엄청 고생했던 기억이 난다.
아기를 낳고 산후 조리원에서 집 처음 온날은 진짜 너무 힘들었었다. 집에 와도 엄마 아빠는 맞벌이라서 밤이고 낮이고 나혼자서 잠도 못자고 아기를 봐야했다.
첫날은 잠안자고 버텼다. 그런데 두번째 날까지 잠을 못자는게 이어지니까 너무 체력적으로 한계가 왔다.
 아기 낳을때 제왕절개를 했는데 그 부분이 아직 아물지도 않았는데 아기는 자꾸 내 배를 뻥뻥차고 애낳고 모든 관절이돌아오지 않았는데 아기 목뒤를 손목힘으로 받히고 1시간에 한씩 수유하고 트름시키고 하느라 너무 힘들었던것같다.
왜 산후 우울증이 오는지 깨닫게 되는 시기였고 왜 그 시기의 엄마를 좀비에 빗대는줄 알게되었다.
진짜  잠도 제대로 못자고 씻지도 못하고 심지어 밥 먹을시간조차 없으니까 몸상태는 거의 좀비같았다.
정신만 겨우 붙들고 몸은 축 늘어진채 밥먹이고 트름시키고  기저귀가는 기계처럼 반복했다.그냥 의무적으로 해야만 하니까 겨우겨우 해내고 있는 정도...
아기를 보면서 아기가 너무 예뻐도 웃음이 지어지지 않았다.
그렇게 힘들게 하루하루 버티는데 언니한테 전화가 왔다.
언니는 아기를 보면서 힘들어도 하루하루 크는걸 보면서 보람이 느껴지지 않냐고 물었다.
근데 아무리 생각해봐도 나는 보람같은건 전혀 느껴지지 않아서 내가 이상한건가 내가 모성애가 없는건가 하고 죄책감이 들었었다.
그렇게 조금 시간이 지나니까 아기가 조금씩 나에게 웃어주기 시작했고 나도 같이 웃음이 나오기 시작했다.
배냇짓으로 미소를 짓는 것일테지만 어떻게든 아기 웃는걸 더 보고싶어서 웃게 만드려고 아기 앞에서 쌩 쇼를 했던거같다.
그리고 어느날 인터넷에서 자폐스펙트럼에 대해 보던중 눈을 맞추지 않는 특성을 보인다는것을 보고 난후
온 신경이 세아가 내 눈을 맞추는지 안맞추는지로 쏠렸다.
세아가 눈을 피할때마다 심장이 철렁 내려앉았고 세아가 눈을 맞추면 다시 안심하고 반복을 했다.
그 이후로 세아에게 밥만주고 재우고 말도 안걸고 놀아주지도 않았던 나를 반성하고 적극적으로 놀아줄 방법을 찾았다.
세아에게 내가 아는 동요도 총 동원해서 불러주고 세아가 나를 쳐다볼때는 항상 웃으면서 말을 걸어줬다.
원래 나는 말이 많지 않은 편이지만 세아앞에서는 수다쟁이 엄마인척 연기했었다.
그렇게 노력해서 그런진 모르겠지만 지금은 한참동안 나를 뚫어지게 쳐다보고 옹알이도 한다.
아기의 발달이 느린것에 너무 집착하지 말라는 말을 듣긴 했지만 엄마로써 내 아이의 발달에 신경이 쓰이는건 어쩔 수 없는 것 같다.
그래도 아기가 점점커가면 학습위주로 놀아주기 보다 아기가 원하는것 중심으로 놀아줘야겠다.

2-month-old baby care and growth
It is almost 2 months since I had a baby and 2 months after Seah was born.
When I was a newborn, I remember having a hard time because the lactum was so short.
The first day I came home from the postnatal cooking center after giving birth was really hard. Even when I came home, my mom and dad had to watch the baby without sleeping at night and during the day.
The first day I held out in my sleep. But I couldn't sleep until the second day, so my physical strength was too limited.
I did a cesarean section when the baby was born, but the baby kept popping my stomach and having babies and all the joints did not come back, but I think it was so hard to hold the back of the baby's neck with my wrist and breast-feed and burp every hour.
It was a time when I realized why postpartum depression was coming and why I was comparing my mother to zombies.
I was almost like a zombie because I couldn't sleep well and didn't even have time to eat.
With only the mind barely clinging to it, the body drooping, repeating itself like a machine that feeds, burps and diapers.I'm just trying to make it work because it's mandatory.
I couldn't smile at the baby even though it was so pretty.
My sister called me when I was going through such a hard day.
My sister asked me if I feel rewarded by growing up day by day, even though it is hard to see the baby.
But no matter how much I thought about it, I didn't feel anything worthwhile, so I felt guilty whether I was weird or if I didn't have motherhood.
After a little while, the baby started to laugh at me and I started laughing with him.
I think I did a live show in front of the baby because I wanted to see the baby smile more.
And then one day I saw on the Internet that the autism spectrum showed a trait that didn't meet my eyes.
All my nerves turned to see if Se-ah would fit my eyes or not.
Whenever Se-ah avoided her eyes, her heart sank, and when Se-ah made eye contact, she repeated with reassurance.
Since then, I have found a way to reflect on myself and actively play with Se-ah, who has only fed her, put her to sleep, and never talked to her.
She sang all the children's songs I know and always smiled and talked to me when she looked at me.
Originally, I don't talk much, but before Se-ah, I pretended to be a chatty mom.
I don't know if it's because I tried so hard, but now I've been staring at me and babbling for a while.
I've been told not to obsess too much about the slow development of the baby, but as a mother, I can't help being bothered about my child's development.
Still, if the baby is bigger, I should play around what the baby wants instead of focusing on learning.